Friday, August 23, 2013

Uncertainties...

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Unhurriedly boxing my life away. The kitchen already feels empty and desolated; a forlorn echo runs through it, filling up every crannies and bare spaces with its peculiar melody.

Our house hasn't been sold yet; nonetheless, it is not for us to called it "home" any more. I cannot call it 'my nest' any longer. An odd feeling has accommodated itself inside my brain; it has absorbed my reasoning, I'm just a stranger vaguely moving from room to room in a large unfamiliar house, not knowing exactly what to do next, or what to pack first, or what else should be donated, or given away or thrown away. 

The pantry is a scary place; a scary job to tackle; therefore, I am leaving it as is for now.

In anticipation of that cottage of my dreams, some of my furniture have been repainted all in white; hardwares in black. I've finished them up with a coat of an oil-based clear polyurethane varnish for some extra glossy luxury. I know exactly how I want to decorate this new home of my dreams just using what I already have; know exactly how would it look and feel, as I try to achieve the homey feeling and elegant coziness I am hoping for...

The garden has been uncared for almost throughout the entire summer. It has slip out of my hands without my consent and it is now resembling the rampant wildness of a jungle; all tangled up, and unkempt and unloved. Not as I used to anyways... not as loved and cared for as it once was.

I want to be quiet when I'm there; when I watch it fade away into dimness and muteness at the first kiss of twilight. It is a sad place, or perhaps, is it just my heart?

Today, we brought in a couple of professional landscapers for an estimate, to have the garden cleaned and thinned out. It amounted to $600.00. I guess I will be doing all that job myself now.

I am physically and emotionally exhausted, and I don't know exactly how to proceed. I need to find a new job soon. But where? Here? There? My husband is starting his new job the week after Labor Day. I'm staying behind until our home here is sold... when would that be? And how long would I have to wait or stay here alone? I don't like uncertainties.  I like this quote from Vincent van Gogh: "For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream".

That's what I'll be doing tonight...

Thank you for being here with me my friends.
 
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